Over the weekend, AJ, AE, and I went camping near Fredericksburg. We had driven by this place many times during our weekend trips to Fredericksburg, but we had never actually stayed there before.
Believe it or not, we all ended up having a really good time. AE was not his usual misbehaving self, which made the trip much more enjoyable. We were able to relax, sit by the pool, and have a couple of beers while enjoying the quiet weekend together.
Today AJ’s oldest, CL, moved into college. It should have been an exciting day for her and a proud moment for the family.
Unfortunately, I found it hard to feel that excitement because I was still dealing with everything surrounding the affair. My mind was still trying to process everything that had happened.
It also made things more difficult because I do not have a very positive opinion of CL. In my view, he tends to be very manipulative with her, and that has always made it harder for me to feel comfortable about their relationship.
AJ, AE, and I spent the weekend camping at Camp Fimfo Waco. Even though more messages had come through and I brought them up with AJ, we still managed to have a good time together.
Of course, it would not be a trip with AE without some sort of incident. At one point he got into a fight with another kid at the campground. Even with that moment, most of the weekend was still enjoyable.
I eventually turned off the device that was receiving the messages so they would stop interrupting what we were trying to do. We were both trying to focus on rebuilding what had been damaged.
Trying to reconnect after an emotional affair is not easy. It takes time, patience, and a lot of difficult conversations, that AJ really does not want to have.
Let me start by saying you are truly the love of my life. During some of our first conversations, I told you about writing VS a letter after she passed, containing everything on my mind, only to burn it afterward. As I write this, I’m contemplating doing the same with these words. If you’re reading this now, well… I guess I needed you to hear me.
The purpose of this letter isn’t to make you feel sad or upset, it’s just me trying to make sense of the storm inside my head. These are the words I can’t seem to say out loud without my voice breaking.
Monday blindsided me completely. That feeling in my chest, like someone had reached in and squeezed my heart until it couldn’t beat right anymore, God, I didn’t think I’d have to feel that again so soon. It’s that same shattering feeling you know all too well.
I stared at those messages until my eyes burned. Reading them once, twice, twenty times, like maybe the words would rearrange themselves if I just looked hard enough. My mind kept rejecting what was right in front of me. Not us. Not after the life we’ve been building, the future we’ve painted together in our conversations.
I keep asking myself what I did wrong. What made you turn to someone else. You’ve told me it wasn’t about me, but my mind still has a hard time accepting that answer. Was I not listening when you needed me? Did I stop seeing you somewhere along the way? I replay our days together looking for the moment I failed you.
Remember those nights when you’d go quiet, and I’d ask what was wrong, and you’d say “nothing” with that faraway look? I felt it then, that subtle withdrawal, the slight shift in how you held yourself around me. My gut twisted with a warning I chose to ignore. I told myself I was being insecure, that relationships have up’s and down’s. I chose us over my fears. Monday, I sat there wondering if I should have trusted that hollow feeling all along.
I’ve analyzed every action, every time I was too wrapped up in my own world to notice yours. I’ve questioned everything about myself. Is it the way I look now? The way I laugh? Have I become that person you tolerate rather than desire? The one you’ve outgrown but don’t know how to leave?
For three years, I’ve felt those moments when something seemed off, when you’d check your phone a little too quickly, when your smile wouldn’t quite reach your eyes. That voice in my head would whisper that you were slipping away, but I’d drown it out with memories of good days. Then I saw those messages about a life that didn’t include me, and suddenly that voice was the only one I could hear.
I’ve made bargains with myself that don’t make sense. If I could just be funnier, more spontaneous, more whatever-it-is-you-need, maybe you wouldn’t need to look elsewhere. Maybe you’d choose me, every day, the way I choose you.
In my darkest hours this week, logic disappeared completely. All I could think was that I must have failed you so completely that you had to find connection somewhere else. Am I not capable of being what you need? Have I never been enough? These questions haunt me at 3 AM when I pretend to be asleep beside you.
Through all of this mess of feelings, one thing hasn’t changed, not even for a second. I love you. Not the perfect version of you I’ve created in my mind, but the real you. The one who leaves coffee mugs and clothes everywhere and can’t remember appointments.
I can’t act like Monday never happened. The trust between us has cracks now that weren’t there before. But when I look at you, even through the hurt, I see the person I want to build a life with. The one I want to figure this out with.
I’m still raw. Still processing. Still trying to find solid ground. Healing from this won’t be quick or simple. But I’m in this, fully, completely in this, if you are too.
What I need from you isn’t perfection. I need honesty that hurts more than comfortable. I need your presence, even when it’s hard to give. I need to know you’re fighting for us as hard as I am.
We can get through this. Not by pretending it away, but by facing it together, by being painfully transparent with each other. I’m choosing us, the messy, imperfect, beautiful us. I’m choosing the future we’ve dreamed about, even if the path there looks different now.
I love you. Not despite the cracks, but with them.
Today was a very difficult day for me. After everything that happened during the trip to Bandera, and the way AJ had been acting, I finally felt like I had to look at the messages that had been sent to my phone.
When I read them, my world came crashing down again. Over the past three years that AJ and I had been in a relationship, she and KH had been having an emotional affair. There were many messages between them talking about how they had feelings for each other but that the distance between them was the issue. There were even photos of them kissing, although those were taken before I was ever in the picture.
Still, reading the messages was devastating. AJ had written several times that she would have waited for him, that they were worth waiting for, and that while she was building a life with me, she was secretly in love with him.
I called her and told her that I had read the messages. I told her how badly it hurt and that it felt like she had ripped my heart apart. We had been planning a life together, and suddenly it felt like the last few years had been built on a lie.
A few hours later, I sent her a message asking if I could come by her house during lunch so we could talk in person. She agreed. When I got there, we talked about everything. She told me that she would give up KH if it meant losing me. I knew that KH had helped her through some very difficult times after she lost her husband, so I was hesitant to completely demand that she cut him out of her life. I told her they could remain friends, but only if the sexting stopped and if they only spoke on the phone when I was around.
While we were talking, KH called her. I could not handle it in that moment. I got up, walked out, and drove back home.
Later in the afternoon, close to the end of the workday, she sent me a text asking if she could come over to talk. I agreed. We talked more about the messages and how deeply it hurt me to read them. She said that a lot of what they said to each other was just joking and talking trash back and forth, and that they did not really have feelings for each other.
I did not believe that. I still think they have real feelings for each other.
Even with all of that, we decided to stay together and try to work through it.
We headed to Bandera to visit AJ’s family ranch with BA, LA, and all of the kids. We rented an Airbnb with a pool so the kids would have something fun to do while we were there.
That evening at the Airbnb, the four of us spent some time talking about the strange situation with the Facebook messages and trying to figure out what was going on. None of it seemed to make much sense, especially since the screenshots that had been sent were so innocent.
The next morning, we headed out to the ranch. While we were driving, my phone suddenly started blowing up with a flood of new screenshots. Since I was behind the wheel, I handed my phone to AJ and asked her to see what was being sent. She read a few of them to me, but not all of them. I could see confusion on her face as she scrolled through them. Her mom and a few of the kids were riding in the car with us, so we did not talk much about it other than saying how innocent the messages seemed.
When we arrived at the ranch, everyone settled in and we had a good time. We went on a few hikes up the hill and spent some time exploring the property. We even tried to get into the cabin on the ranch, but AJ’s mom had forgotten the keys and we did not want to break in.
Later, back at the Airbnb, I was sitting by the pool when AJ came out to join me. I could tell something was on her mind because she was acting differently than usual. I suspected it had something to do with the screenshots that had been sent to my phone, but I resisted the urge to go through them myself.
For the rest of the trip, it felt like something was weighing on her mind.
Today was a very strange day. Someone had compromised AJ’s Facebook account and sent her screenshots of messages between her and KH. KH is a really good friend of hers who lives up in South Dakota.
The screenshot itself was very innocent, which only made the whole situation even more confusing. It was unclear why someone would go through the trouble of accessing her account just to send something that did not seem suspicious or harmful at all.
Drifted Notes 