This weekend at the river was great. It was exactly the kind of break we needed. But I’ve been thinking, it might be nice for us to plan a trip down there, just the two of us, one of these weekends. As much as I care about Aaric, I think he’s still too young to really enjoy or handle that kind of environment. And honestly, going with Matt again isn’t something I’m in a rush to do either. I enjoy his company in small doses, but spending an entire weekend with him, especially when we’re already managing Aaric’s energy, isn’t exactly relaxing. It would be really nice to just unwind, slow down, and enjoy, just you and me.
I’m really looking forward to getting you the car you picked out tomorrow. It makes me happy to see you excited about it. I have to admit, I was caught off guard when you said it’s the first car you’ve ever truly gotten to choose. In full transparency, I genuinely thought you had chosen the others you’ve gotten since we’ve been together. I didn’t realize you felt like I had been making those decisions for you. Please know, that has never been my intent, and it never would be. I want you to have the freedom to make choices that make you happy and reflect what you want. Supporting you means trusting your voice and your preferences, and I hope you always feel that from me moving forward. I can’t wait to see you behind the wheel of the car you chose. You deserve that joy.
I know I tried to deny sending KH that package about the gay cruise, and I’m pretty sure you saw right through it. And while I’m glad everyone got a good laugh out of it, the truth is, deep down I was trying to embarrass him. The truth is, I’m still trying to make sense of the relationship you had with him. I guess I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I never will. I know you’ve explained it in your way, and I’m not trying to doubt you. But from the outside looking in, it’s still hard for me to wrap my head around. And to be honest, it’s difficult for me to watch you talk with someone I still feel, in some way, is an ex-boyfriend.
I know I’m probably viewing it through my own lens, through my past, through my insecurities, and I’m not trying to project that onto you. I just want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally. I’m working on it, really. Trying to understand, trying to let go of the things I can’t change, and trusting what we’re building together. Thanks for being patient with me through all of this. I know I don’t always say things the right way at first, but I do want to grow through it with you.
While moving clothes from the Temple house to the Belton house, I came across that shirt of KH’s. I must admit, it caught me off guard. It feels like there’s something meaningful about it, especially since it’s still been around after all this time. When I asked you about it and you said you didn’t remember how you came into possession of it, I tried to take that at face value. But if I’m being completely honest, with everything that’s happened and the cracks in trust we’ve been working through, I’m not 100% sure I believe that. It just feels like there’s more to the story, and maybe it’s something you don’t want to share with me.
I’m not bringing this up to accuse or stir things up. I just want to be honest about what’s sitting in my mind and heart. These are the kinds of things that, left unspoken, can quietly build walls between us, and that’s the last thing I want. I know rebuilding trust takes time, and conversations like this are part of that process. All I’m asking for is honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable. Because I’d rather work through something real with you than be left in doubt.
I’m still trying to find a way to let go of all the emotions I’ve been carrying about everything that happened between you and KH. I know, in my head, why you kept it a secret, but if I’m being honest, I still don’t fully understand it in my heart. Because it was hidden from me for so long, there’s this lingering feeling of uneasiness that I can’t quite shake.
Part of what makes it so difficult is that it brings up old wounds. After Vickie passed away, I discovered she had been cheating on me, and like your messages with KH, it all happened through Facebook Messenger. Reading some of those conversations between you and KH… it stirred up that same feeling I had when I read Vickie’s messages. That gut-punch realization that something was happening behind the scenes that I wasn’t supposed to know about. And that parallel, intentional or not, has been a big emotional trigger for me.
I know you are not her, and I don’t want to unfairly compare the two situations. But the emotional impact is still real. It’s the trust that was quietly shaken, the questions that were never fully answered, and the part of me that’s still trying to make peace with it all. I want to let go of these feelings. I want to fully move forward with you. I choose you, every single day. But I also want to be honest about what I’m carrying so that I don’t end up silently dragging it behind me.
All I ask is for continued honesty, openness, and patience. I know healing takes time, and I believe we’ll get there together. I love you, and I want our future to be free of shadows from the past.
Nothing I’ve tried is working when it comes to getting rid of the deep feelings of hurt I still carry. They keep coming back, uninvited, like noise that fills my head, and it’s really starting to wear me down.
There are moments when things are good, really good. We’re connected, I feel present, and for a while, the noise goes quiet. But then KH comes up, and it all comes rushing back. Just like that, the peace is gone, and I’m right back in that space of doubt, pain, and questioning.
I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I wish I did. I want to let go, I truly do. But every time I feel like I’m making progress, something pulls me back. Even now, when I know you’re messaging him, I feel that same uncomfortable twist in my gut. It’s not jealousy, it’s that sense of secrecy again. The not knowing. The not being part of it. The silence that makes my mind fill in blanks I wish didn’t exist.
Knowing you two are talking or calling each other might not bother me at all if I felt included in some way, or at least reassured. But when it happens quietly, without context, it feels like it’s still being kept from me. And that feeling, real or not, is hard to ignore. I’m not trying to control your friendships or put restrictions on who you talk to. What I’m trying to do is make sense of what’s happening inside me. I don’t want to carry this pain into our future, especially as we move toward building a life together. I want healing. I want peace. I want to feel secure again.
But right now, I need help figuring out how to get there. Because I can’t do it alone. And the noise isn’t something I can just silence with willpower, it’s something I need to work through with honesty, support, and trust.
Right now, I feel like I’m walking through this alone. I can feel the weight of it creeping in, like the early signs of depression starting to settle over me. And I’m doing everything I can to push through it, to hold onto the truth that we’re building something beautiful together. It’s that belief in us, in the love we have for each other, that keeps me moving forward. I know we’ve shared so many good moments, so much growth, and I hold on to that with everything I have. Because I love you deeply, and I want this life with you.
But at the same time, I’m struggling. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where love is only flowing in one direction. That thought alone is heartbreaking. I want us to be fully in it together, emotionally, honestly, and completely.
What makes it harder is knowing how much KH seems to know about my life, our life. It doesn’t sit right with me. It feels like another quiet violation of trust, like someone has access to parts of us that should belong to just us. And it’s hard not to feel exposed or overlooked when someone outside of our relationship is holding so much of what we’ve shared.
Please understand, I’m not saying these things to attack or blame. I’m sharing them because I need you to understand where I am emotionally. I need to feel like I’m not fighting through this on my own. That we’re standing side by side, not just in the good times, but in the hard ones too. I want us to be stronger than the past, stronger than the doubts. But I also know we have to face the hard stuff together to get there. And I’m here, loving you, choosing you, and hoping we can keep moving forward, hand in hand.
Just know that no matter what I’m going through, no matter what thoughts may be racing through my head, I love you, with every ounce of my being. That love doesn’t waver, even in the moments when I’m struggling. It’s constant, it’s real, and it’s deeply rooted in everything I feel for you. I’m holding on to the future we’re building together, the one where I get to grow old with you by my side. The one where I get to call you my wife. That thought alone brings me comfort and hope, even on the hard days.
You are my heart, my peace, and my forever.
I love you!
Drifted Notes 