Now that I’ve had some time to calm down, I can finally organize my thoughts. I want you to know that I’m more than willing to discuss what’s in this letter, because it’s important for me to hear from you too, not just for you to read my words in silence.
Yesterday was a rough day. I understand that Aaric had a bad day at school. I understand that he felt overwhelmed by the single load of laundry he was asked to put away when he got home as part of his chores. I even tried your approach, telling him to work on it for five minutes, then come out for a snack, and then go back and try again. But he was completely unwilling. He told me he didn’t want to, threw a fit, and refused to even try. I asked him again, and the same thing happened.
At that point, I laid out a consequence for his actions, the ones you even agreed to. But because I know you will likely overturn it, I went ahead and removed it myself. As a matter of fact, I’ve taken off all restrictions from his Xbox and TV. There are no longer any limits set by me, and I won’t be putting them back on.
The truth is, it feels like no matter what I do with or for him, he treats me like shit. And when I try, I often feel ridiculed by you for how I handle things with him. That’s why, for now, I feel I need to take a step back. Until the right time, I’m going to take on more of a babysitter role than a dad role. I won’t give punishments or tasks. The corrections will be light if at all, and I will just tell you about them. This way you can decide what actions if any are needed. When we’re all together, I’ll leave everything related to him to you, because he doesn’t listen to me and I refuse to keep arguing. If he becomes too much, I will move out of his area. I think this may be the only way for us to have peace in our home for the time being. Deep down, I believe that one day I will be able to step back into the dad role and truly be that for him. For now, I just ask that we keep the rules we’ve had in this house for the past three years as we work though this season.
I also need to tell you something that upset me yesterday. When you came closer to the couch from the kitchen and said that he was allowed to have a snack after school, it stung. I already knew this, I never denied him anything, but the way you approached it made me feel dismissed. It left me feeling subhuman, like my role didn’t matter. Just like Vickie used to do with Stephanie. I know that wasn’t your intention, but it’s how it made me feel, and I thought it was important to share that. That’s why I went for a drive. When I’m upset, I’d rather clear my head than risk saying something cruel in the heat of the moment.
I know words don’t hold much weight for you, because they’re not your love language. But they mean something to me, that’s probably why I turn to writing so often. It’s why I started leaving you these letters and writing on the mirror. The mirror was erased as I really did not think you cared. Since May, when my heart was ripped out, tossed in a blender, and thrown back in my face, I’ve built some strong walls. I’m trying like hell to tear them down, and please be patient as this will take time. All I want is to make you my wife in October and build a beautiful life with you. I still choose you, I chose you in May, I choose you today, and I will choose you every day, because you are the love of my life.
I’m still searching for what was or still is missing in the way I love you, because I know there must has to be something, and I don’t think you will convince me otherwise. I’m trying to figure out how to love you the way you want and need to be loved, because what we have together is messy but beautiful. My only doubts are whether I’m loving you enough, or whether I’m showing it in the way you truly need, and that fear eats at me. Maybe I need to remember what your love language is and love you by that.
These trips we’ve been taking remind me of our early days, when all I knew was how to love you, before any pain entered our relationship. I know relationships aren’t easy. They’re not 50/50, some days they are 80/20. They take work. But what matters most is that we choose each other every day. I choose you every day. I love you every day. And I always will.
I don’t mean to dump all of this on you. I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, and I want you to know that I see you and I’m here for you. This time of year, especially with Eugene’s passing, and I want you to know that I remember and I’m here for you. I will always walk hard and good times next to you. Not in front or behind, because that is not where a husband walks with his wife. He walks next to her, hand in hand, in the pain, sorrow and joys of life.
I can also see that Kevin’s silence has weighed on you, and while I’m not upset about it myself, I do hate the hurt it’s caused you. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season, and maybe his season has simply passed. That doesn’t take away from the fact that you deserve so much better than someone who walks away without a word. What matters most is that the people who are truly meant to stay are the ones who show up, who communicate, and who choose to be present. I want you to know that I will always be one of those people for you. I’m not just here for a season, I’m here for all of it, for the rest of our lives.
No matter the struggles we face or the storms that come our way, I will always choose you. You are my love, my home, and my future. I can’t wait to stand with you in October as your husband and spend the rest of my life building something beautiful with you by my side.
Drifted Notes 