Another fucked up day in the house, and another sleepless night.
It started this morning when AJ talked to me like I was stupid. I had asked her about a tree that was being cut down at her work because I was trying to clarify something she mentioned earlier. Instead of just answering the question, she responded in a way that made me feel like an idiot for asking.
She told me about some mental health services that could come to the house to evaluate AE while he is at home with us. I actually think that is a really good idea.
Later in the afternoon she received a message from AE’s school saying he had been defiant in science class. He was tossing around a fidget toy and distracting the other students. He refused to do any of his work. Eventually someone was called in to help redirect him, but he just sat at his desk and started slamming his hand into his Chromebook. She also told me she has a conflict tomorrow, so I will have to take him to football practice while she attends a meeting with her group. I really do not want to do that at all.
AE had golf practice after school, and AJ and I decided to go out for dinner instead of trying to cook at home. For a while things were actually fine. I made a point of sitting somewhere where everyone could get the type of food they wanted.
After dinner, things went downhill quickly. As soon as we got home he started being rude and disrespectful to everyone in the house and making the whole place miserable.
When I was getting ready for bed, AJ was extremely upset and started blaming me for AE’s behavior. I asked her what I had done wrong, and she could not give me an answer.
I ended up leaving the bedroom and going into my office. While I was there I started looking up how long it takes to get a divorce in Texas. From what I read, if it is uncontested it can take about sixty days. What I really wanted to know was whether I would have to give up my house if it came to that. From what I could tell, anything owned before the marriage is considered personal property and the other person has no claim to it.
While I was reading, I overheard AE ask AJ where I was. She said I was in my office and was probably looking up divorces. She knows I am at my wits’ end with him, but divorce would still be a last resort for me. I do want this marriage to work.
Later that evening, after things had cooled down, I went back into the bedroom to try and get some sleep. I stayed right on the edge of the bed on my side so I would not touch her.
At one point she said she cannot wait until AE turns eighteen so he can get the hell out. Honestly, I could not even argue with that statement. She also mentioned that she cannot live the way she and her late husband did, with a house full of anger. I told her that I love her and that I still choose her, but I am not sure she chooses me the same way. The issues with CL and AE are driving a wedge between us, and I do not know what to do about it. After a while we made some small talk. I reached over to see if she would pull away. When she did not, I pulled her closer and held her. It felt like she did not really want that. She did mention that she found a family counselor and she was going to call them tomorrow. We shall see if she actually does.
For the past few months I have had this growing feeling that maybe she only settled for me. Like she really missed the boat with KH. Sometimes it feels like her kids deserve happiness but I do not, and because I do not make that my top priority, I become the bad guy. I guess time will tell how all of this plays out.
While we were in bed, AE came out of his room and went into the bathroom. I heard AJ say to him, “What the hell?” Since we were actually speaking again at that point, I asked what was going on. AE said he was taking a shower because he had shit his pants. I honestly do not understand how a twelve-year-old is still dealing with that.
I have also been thinking about why I am putting all off this online. I know AJ would be extremely upset if she ever found out. But the reality is that I cannot tell her everything that is on my mind, either verbally or through letters. The letters made her uncomfortable, so I stopped writing them. But I have to get it out of my system. I actually took the ones she had kept and shredded them. She has not noticed yet.
Drifted Notes 