I’m in my feels a bit today. I was talking with Stephanie, and she mentioned that she’s been clearing out some of Vickie’s things and donating them. It brought up a lot for me, because I’ve been needing to do the same, for a while now. The garage and the storage unit still hold so many of Vickie’s belongings, and even after three years, I find myself stuck, not knowing what to do with them all.
It amazes me how much is still there. And the truth is, I really do need to let it go, not because the memories aren’t important, but because it’s time to make space, emotionally and physically. I think when you told me that I need to make room for you and Aaric, this is what you were gently referring to.
It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. It’s not just about sorting through items, it’s about facing emotions I’ve boxed away, alongside the boxes in storage. But I know it’s time. It’s time to close that chapter in a healthy, respectful way and make room for the life we’re building now.
With the long weekend coming up, I think I’ll finally take that step. Donate what I can, sort through what matters, and start clearing out the rest. Stephanie offered to come down and help, and I appreciate her kindness more than I can say. But I think this is something I need to do with out her. Not because I don’t want support, but because this feels like a personal turning point I need to walk through. And through all of this, I am so thankful that you are by my side during this process. Just knowing you’re here, that I’m not alone in any of this, gives me strength and peace in a way I can’t quite explain.
At the same time, I’m still receiving reports from Incident Response about the case involving the messages between you and KH. I did take a look, just out of curiosity, and saw there are over a thousand screenshots that they recovered. That alone was overwhelming. I’ve since asked to be removed from the notifications, because every time a new update pops up, it feels like reopening a wound that hasn’t fully healed.
To be honest, I did look through some of the older messages from 2022, around the time shortly after we first met. And I instantly regretted it. Some messages in particular stuck with me, you had written to KH that you were building a life with me but were secretly in love with him, that you wanted him to spread your thighs apart. You mentioned planning to meet him at the airport on my birthday, and that it didn’t matter whether it bothered me or not, and you brought up the idea of you and him getting married in Las Vegas.
All of that brought all the pain back to the surface. It’s recent enough that my mind still reacts, still spirals, and it gets noisy in my head all over again. Nothing quite compares to the feeling of trying to move forward, only to be pulled backward by something you thought had been processed. It’s like pouring salt on a wound that just refuses to close.
I know how strong our love is for each other. I feel it every day, in the way we laugh, support one another, and continue choosing each other. But there’s still a small pit in my gut… a part of me that wonders if I unintentionally came between you and someone you weren’t quite done with. And along with that, this sense that maybe I still don’t know everything.
Please know that I hate unloading these intrusive thoughts on you. I really do. But I don’t have another outlet for them, and more than that, I don’t want to keep them bottled up. I’d rather be transparent with you than let them fester in silence and create distance between us. I know you’ve got so much on your plate already, and the last thing I want is to add more weight to your shoulders.
That’s why I’m asking for your guidance, with love and humility. What do I do with these thoughts when they surface? Should I keep sharing them with you, trusting that our relationship can hold space for them? Or should I learn to bury them, to protect our peace and guard what we’ve been working so hard to build?
I don’t want to be a source of added stress for you. I just want to be honest about where I am in my head, and find a path forward that brings us closer, not push us apart.
No matter what, I love you, with every part of my soul. I trust you.
Drifted Notes 