Category: Journal

We rented a car and made a stop at the Area 51 gift shop on our way out to Death Valley National Park. In the small village of Furnace Creek, the temperature hit a blistering 109 degrees. We had hoped to explore more, but it was simply too hot and we were completely unprepared for the conditions. Instead, we turned back toward Las Vegas. Along the way, we stopped at Charleston Peak Winery in Pahrump, NV. We did a wine tasting, though none of the wines really stood out to us. What made the experience unique, however, was that they served meatballs alongside the tasting, something I’ve never seen anywhere else.

Once back in Las Vegas, we picked up our marriage certificate from the Clark County Office. The entire process only took about 15 minutes, and the certificate is valid for one year. From there, we visited The Little White Chapel to check it out ahead of our October wedding. We both thought it was charming and decided that’s exactly where we’ll be getting married.

Afterward, we returned the rental car, grabbed a taxi back to the Luxor, and later walked down to New York-New York for dinner, closing out another memorable day together.

We flew out to Las Vegas on Frontier Airlines, and the flight went off without a hitch, even though Frontier is a budget airline. We landed around 10 a.m. and headed straight to the Luxor to see if we could check in early. Thankfully, it wasn’t a problem, they were able to get us into a room right away, though they switched us from a king to a double queen.

That afternoon, we went to see the Blue Man Group and picked up painting number three for our wall, we’re working toward a set of four. Later that evening, we met up with friends for dinner and drinks, a perfect way to end our first day in the city.

I picked up a car for CL, her oldest and drew up a written agreement to make sure he takes responsibility, since the title is in my name. The agreement sets out that he’ll pay back the $8,750 over two years at $350 per month. To be honest, I don’t fully trust him when it comes to money, he has a history of saying he has a job when he really doesn’t, and that makes me cautious. Helping him get this car is a chance for him to step up, but I know it will take more than words this time. He’ll have to prove through his actions that he’s willing to follow through.

While we were in Las Vegas, we left the youngest with the oldest. He’s done this before, so it wasn’t anything new, but it’s still reassuring to know he can handle that responsibility.

I am truly sorry for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe it was built-up emotions that I kept pushing aside, or maybe it was something deeper. But you know what, I’m not going to try to justify it. The truth is, there is no excuse for the way I’ve acted these past couple of days.

What I do want you to know is how thankful I am for you, for your patience, for your heart, and for the way you love me even when I get messy. Your love is something I never take for granted, and I don’t ever want you to doubt how much it means to me.

I love you deeply, and I am so grateful that even in my flaws, I still have you by my side.

Now that I’ve had some time to calm down, I can finally organize my thoughts. I want you to know that I’m more than willing to discuss what’s in this letter, because it’s important for me to hear from you too, not just for you to read my words in silence.

Yesterday was a rough day. I understand that Aaric had a bad day at school. I understand that he felt overwhelmed by the single load of laundry he was asked to put away when he got home as part of his chores. I even tried your approach, telling him to work on it for five minutes, then come out for a snack, and then go back and try again. But he was completely unwilling. He told me he didn’t want to, threw a fit, and refused to even try. I asked him again, and the same thing happened.

At that point, I laid out a consequence for his actions, the ones you even agreed to. But because I know you will likely overturn it, I went ahead and removed it myself. As a matter of fact, I’ve taken off all restrictions from his Xbox and TV. There are no longer any limits set by me, and I won’t be putting them back on.

The truth is, it feels like no matter what I do with or for him, he treats me like shit. And when I try, I often feel ridiculed by you for how I handle things with him. That’s why, for now, I feel I need to take a step back. Until the right time, I’m going to take on more of a babysitter role than a dad role. I won’t give punishments or tasks. The corrections will be light if at all, and I will just tell you about them. This way you can decide what actions if any are needed. When we’re all together, I’ll leave everything related to him to you, because he doesn’t listen to me and I refuse to keep arguing. If he becomes too much, I will move out of his area. I think this may be the only way for us to have peace in our home for the time being. Deep down, I believe that one day I will be able to step back into the dad role and truly be that for him. For now, I just ask that we keep the rules we’ve had in this house for the past three years as we work though this season.

I also need to tell you something that upset me yesterday. When you came closer to the couch from the kitchen and said that he was allowed to have a snack after school, it stung. I already knew this, I never denied him anything, but the way you approached it made me feel dismissed. It left me feeling subhuman, like my role didn’t matter. Just like Vickie used to do with Stephanie. I know that wasn’t your intention, but it’s how it made me feel, and I thought it was important to share that. That’s why I went for a drive. When I’m upset, I’d rather clear my head than risk saying something cruel in the heat of the moment.

I know words don’t hold much weight for you, because they’re not your love language. But they mean something to me, that’s probably why I turn to writing so often. It’s why I started leaving you these letters and writing on the mirror. The mirror was erased as I really did not think you cared. Since May, when my heart was ripped out, tossed in a blender, and thrown back in my face, I’ve built some strong walls. I’m trying like hell to tear them down, and please be patient as this will take time. All I want is to make you my wife in October and build a beautiful life with you. I still choose you, I chose you in May, I choose you today, and I will choose you every day, because you are the love of my life.

I’m still searching for what was or still is missing in the way I love you, because I know there must has to be something, and I don’t think you will convince me otherwise. I’m trying to figure out how to love you the way you want and need to be loved, because what we have together is messy but beautiful. My only doubts are whether I’m loving you enough, or whether I’m showing it in the way you truly need, and that fear eats at me. Maybe I need to remember what your love language is and love you by that.

These trips we’ve been taking remind me of our early days, when all I knew was how to love you, before any pain entered our relationship. I know relationships aren’t easy. They’re not 50/50, some days they are 80/20. They take work. But what matters most is that we choose each other every day. I choose you every day. I love you every day. And I always will.

I don’t mean to dump all of this on you. I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, and I want you to know that I see you and I’m here for you. This time of year, especially with Eugene’s passing, and I want you to know that I remember and I’m here for you. I will always walk hard and good times next to you. Not in front or behind, because that is not where a husband walks with his wife. He walks next to her, hand in hand, in the pain, sorrow and joys of life.

I can also see that Kevin’s silence has weighed on you, and while I’m not upset about it myself, I do hate the hurt it’s caused you. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season, and maybe his season has simply passed. That doesn’t take away from the fact that you deserve so much better than someone who walks away without a word. What matters most is that the people who are truly meant to stay are the ones who show up, who communicate, and who choose to be present. I want you to know that I will always be one of those people for you. I’m not just here for a season, I’m here for all of it, for the rest of our lives.

No matter the struggles we face or the storms that come our way, I will always choose you. You are my love, my home, and my future. I can’t wait to stand with you in October as your husband and spend the rest of my life building something beautiful with you by my side.

We had an opportunity to go to Fort Worth with some of AJ’s friends for a concert. CL agreed to watch AE for the night, although it came with a condition. He would only do it if he was paid. CL rarely helps with anything AJ asks without money being involved.

While we were out, AE gave him a hard time as usual. Throughout the night we ended up getting about a dozen calls because he was having trouble dealing with him.

We went back to Camp Fimfo Waco for another camping trip. For the most part, it was a good time.

CL came along and brought the woman he has been seeing, along with her two little ones. It made for a lively weekend with a lot of people around.

Of course, AE was being himself and spent much of the time trying to dictate what everyone should be doing. Even with that, we were still able to enjoy the trip and spend some time together.

It’s been a while since I’ve written you one of these, and honestly, I’ve missed it. So much has happened over the past few weeks, and I feel like life’s been moving at full speed. We actually made it through another No Destination Vacation, and I think this one might be my favorite so far.

That moment, just sitting in the river with you, not saying anything, that was everything. No distractions, no rush, just you and me. It’s those moments with you that stick with me the most.

I’m glad we crossed Wind Cave off the list, even if it wasn’t all that exciting. I don’t think I’d ever go back.

Glacier was a completely different story. That time-lapse you got. It’s amazing. I know I’ll keep going back to that video, being in the right place, at the right time, with the right person. I’ll remember that view, and how it felt to be standing there next to you, for the rest of my life.

Yellowstone. I’m still trying to figure out the hype. I know there has to be more to it, I think we just didn’t give it enough time. Maybe next time we go back, we can slow down and explore a little deeper. And Old Faithful, it was cool to see, but I think I expected more from it.

And then there was Grand Teton. I don’t even have the right words for that place. The reflection in the lake, that hike to the falls? Every mile we spent in the car was worth it for that moment. Being up there with you made me feel so grounded and alive at the same time.

Back home, I’ve been noticing all the ways you’re turning this house into a real home. When you first moved in, it felt cold and empty. But you’re bringing so much warmth and life into it, and I love watching it all come together. You’re making it ours, and I appreciate that more than I can say.

I know I was a little off for a couple of days, and I appreciate you giving me the space to work through it. When you asked about postponing the wedding, I wondered if you were second guessing things. Just so you know, that thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. I’m ready. I want this. I want you. I can’t wait to put that ring on your finger and know you’re mine forever.

I’ve also noticed that something might be on your mind lately. You seem a little distant at times, but I promised you I wouldn’t push and ask, and I meant it. Just know that if you ever want to talk, I’m right here. No pressure. No expectations. Just me, always ready to listen.

You mentioned again that I might be reading your text messages. I want to be clear, I haven’t. I know I’ve said that you really don’t think I am, but hearing it again from you stings in a way that’s hard to explain. So, here’s what I’d like to do, I’ve already changed my passcode, and I think it would help if you changed yours too. Not because I don’t trust you, because I do, but to show you that I have nothing to hide and no interest in crossing that line. I think it’s the only way to help you feel secure about this.

The truth is, I’ve tried to be thoughtful and considerate, doing little things I believed would make you feel loved, but lately, it feels like some of those gestures come under suspicion. And that hurts, because it’s not who I am and never will be. I’m not bringing this up to argue or create distance. I just want you to know, I trust you. Fully. I don’t need or want to look at anything on your phone. I just don’t know what else I can do to prove that.

You’re the love of my life. That hasn’t changed, and it never will. You’re everything to me.

No Destination Vacation number three is now in the books. On the first day we headed north to South Dakota. The last time we were there we had tried to visit Wind Cave National Park, but it was closed and we were not able to get in. This time we checked the website and saw that it was open, so we decided to make it our first stop.

Since KH lives in that area, we decided to invite him to meet us in Deadwood. I honestly was not sure how that meeting was going to go. Part of me wondered if I would end up hitting him or if we would simply talk things through.

At one point AJ was on the phone with AE, which gave me the chance to speak with KH privately about the messages that he and AJ had exchanged. He told me essentially the same thing AJ had said. According to him, the messages were mostly just trash talking back and forth and nothing serious. He also said they were from a long time ago and that things had changed since then.

During that conversation I made it clear to him that I was not the one who had almost broken AJ and me apart. I also told him that I was not the one who had to live with the fact that an emotional affair had happened while someone was already in a relationship. That responsibility belonged to him and AJ.

After that, we continued our trip and made it to Wind Cave. From there we drove west to Glacier National Park. The park was incredible. We entered from the east side so we did not have to deal with the timed entry system. Parking was full in many areas, so we mostly drove through the park and only stopped in small pull offs that were barely large enough for the car.

At one stop we found a quiet spot along a river. We sat together there for a while, just taking in the moment in each other’s arms. While we were sitting there, a few deer wandered close to us. They seemed more curious about us than we were surprised to see them.

From Glacier we headed south to Yellowstone National Park. We saw Old Faithful and several other sights before continuing on to Grand Teton National Park.

Grand Teton turned out to be one of the highlights of the trip for me. I was able to get some great photos there, and it is easily one of the most photogenic national parks I have ever visited. We ended up spending more time there than anywhere else on the trip.

Since we were ahead of schedule, KH invited us to meet him in Wyoming and take his side-by-side out for a ride. AJ left the decision up to me, and I decided that we would go.

When we arrived, AJ seemed upset that KH had brought another woman with him. That reaction felt strange to me. If their relationship was truly just friendship, I could not understand why it would bother her.

Later, after we got home, AJ posted photos from our night in South Dakota and tagged both KH and me in them on Facebook. The way the photos and the post were put together made it look like she and KH were a couple. There were more pictures of the two of them than of everyone together.

I told her how I felt about that and removed myself from the tag because I did not want those photos showing up later as memories. After that, she deleted the post.

Later on I learned that during our night out in South Dakota, KH had told AJ that he was in love with her. Hearing that only reinforced my feeling that she may still have some kind of emotional attachment to him. Otherwise, I cannot understand why she would have been upset that he brought another woman with him.

It’s the day before this years No Destination Vacation, and I am very excited about it. I can’t not wait to show you everything I can and where I spent a good portion of my life. There are 3 National Parks that we have the ability to see along the way, and I am hoping that we get the chance to see them. I did not even know that Congaree National Park existed until this week. Since it is very close to I-20, why not make a pit stop even if for a short time.

On the way back from the coast, we will have the opportunity to see the Great Smoky Mountains Nation Park and Hot Springs National Park. I know you have already been to the Great Smoky Mountains. That area is so beautiful. Then we have Hot Springs in Arkansas. I have never been there, and I am really looking forward to it. Double check to make sure you have your hiking boots.