Category: Journal

I could tell that yesterday’s letter hurt you, and that tugs at my heart. Please know, it was never my intent to cause you pain. You are the love of my life, my safe place, and these letters should reflect that. They should be a source of comfort, joy, and something you look forward to, not something that brings discomfort or that heavy, yuck feeling.

Moving forward, I want to make these letters something warm and uplifting, something that brings a smile to your heart. I’m going to leave the intrusive thoughts and sensitive subjects out of them so they can become a beautiful thread in the life we’re building together.

As for the subject that’s been consuming me for far too long, I’ve decided to stop giving it space between us. I know it has caused pain, and I don’t want to bring that into our present or our future. It’s time for me to bury it, completely in its entirety. Moving forward, I won’t speak about the situation, or even mention his name. It’s time to let it go for the sake of our peace, our love, and the life we’re building together.

I love you more than you could ever know, and I will not risk hurting you again. You deserve peace, happiness, and a partner who lifts you up. And that’s what I want to be, every single day.

I can’t believe it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written you a letter. Life has been moving so quickly, and we’ve had so much going on lately. Between Alec moving into your house and you transitioning into this one, there’s been a lot of change, but it’s all been part of something beautiful.

Watching how naturally you’ve stepped into this house and started to make it our home has meant so much to me. What once felt cold, industrial, and a bit impersonal is now slowly becoming filled with warmth, comfort, and life, all because of you. The little touches you bring, the thought you put into each room, the way you soften the edges, it’s exactly what this place needed.

I feel lucky every day to build this life with you. Thank you for making this house feel like it’s truly ours.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous about Alec being on his own. It’s one of those milestones that hits a parent differently, the kind that comes with pride, but also a quiet, lingering concern. I just hope he can manage the house, the bills, and everything else that adulthood throws at him.

No matter how old your kids get, I don’t think the wondering ever stops. You still find yourself asking, Will they be okay? Will they manage? Will life be kind to them? But deep down, I know he’s going to be just fine. He’s strong, smart, and capable. And while he might hit a few bumps along the way, we all do, I have no doubt he’ll find his footing and build something solid for himself. I believe in him.

The 4th of July weekend was truly amazing, one of those weekends that lingers in your memory for all the right reasons. Hanging out with your brother Billy was such a great experience. He’s got a laid-back energy that made everything feel easy and fun, and it honestly felt like one of those rare moments where time just slows down for a bit.

I’d love to go back up there next year, maybe even stay at the RV park and make a full experience out of it. The fireworks were absolutely one of the highlights, they lit up the sky in a way that just felt magical, like the perfect punctuation mark to a weekend full of good company, and little moments that mattered.

Lately, I’ve been really struggling with my dreams. It’s strange, I never seem to remember the good ones, only the ones that leave a weight on my chest when I wake up. I don’t want to dream about my past, but that’s where my mind keeps going night after night.

You asked me once if the dreams were about you, and I brushed it off. But the truth is, a few of them are. The one that haunts me most is vivid and painful: it’s our wedding day, and I’m standing there waiting for you… but you walk down the aisle and marry Kevin instead. I’m left there, alone. Everyone else celebrates while I’m just standing there, invisible, discarded.

I know it’s just a dream, but it feels like my subconscious is trying to sort through all the unresolved questions I still carry, that I can’t ask. I can’t shake the feeling that there are parts of your relationship with him that you’ve kept guarded, not to be secretive, but maybe to protect us. Maybe you’re afraid it would hurt too much or spark emotions you or I can’t control.

But I hope that someday, when you’re ready and you feel safe enough, you’ll open up fully and help me understand how deep things really went with him. Not to judge, just to have peace. Because it’s hard fighting shadows when I don’t know what they’re made of.

I’m really looking forward to our trip out east. There’s so much I’ve been holding onto, places, stories, moments, that I’ve never been able to share with you, simply because of the distance. But now, I finally get to open that part of my world to you.

There are so many things I want you to see and experience, not just landmarks or scenery, but pieces of my past, the kind that shaped who I am today. It’s more than just a road trip for me, it’s a chance to bring you into parts of my life that have stayed tucked away until now. And being able to do that with you by my side… it means more than I can really put into words.

You are my entire world, the center of my heart, and the calm in my storm. With every moment we spend together, my love for you grows in ways I never thought possible. It’s in the quiet glances, the shared laughter, the way your hand fits in mine, every second with you deepens the bond I feel.

I love you more than words could ever fully express. More than I can describe, more than you may ever truly know. It’s a love that lives in every breath I take and in every hope I have for the future. You are everything to me, my love, my peace, my home.

It turned out to be a pretty good day, even though we were not able to stay at the tipi resort we had originally planned because of mold in the tipis.

Spending time with her brother really helped make the day better. He took us out on his boat, though you could tell he was a little nervous. He had only been boating for a short time, and the lake was pretty rough that day. Even so, we made the best of it and still had a good time being out on the water.

Later we picked up some fireworks and found a campground that offered day passes. They had a roped-off area where you could safely launch fireworks out over the water, which made for a really fun way to end the evening.

By the end of the day we were already talking about coming back. We told each other that in 2026 we should bring the RV and spend the whole weekend there.

I want to sincerely apologize for suggesting that you might be sharing these letters with KH. That was an intrusive thought, one of those unwanted feelings that can sneak in and distort reality. I hate how they sometimes get in the way of what’s actually happening between us. I know the last letter upset you, and that’s never what I want. I’m truly sorry. I’m continuing to work on myself, learning how to recognize and manage these thoughts better. The last thing I ever want is for anything, even my own mind, to come between us.

I know I said last night that I was going to stop writing these letters. But the truth is, I think you really do appreciate them, and they’re a form of journaling for me. They help me process what I’m feeling, and they’ve become a way to capture the life we’re building together. One day, I imagine us looking back at these moments, reading these words, and remembering all the little things that made our love story so special.

And speaking of special, I truly believe the song I had made for you this time fits us perfectly. Hearing that you want to have part of the lyrics printed and hung in our home meant the world to me. If there’s a particular line that stands out to you, something that really captures our love, let me know. I’d love to have it printed over one of our photos and made into something lasting, maybe even on metal, something beautiful to hang up and see every day.

And just so you know, I feel comfortable with Amy knowing about these letters. Honestly, I think her and Anthony’s relationship might even benefit from the idea of writing each other letters. I had no idea how helpful this would actually be for me until I started doing it.

If you’re ever open to writing letters too, I’d love that. It really helps to process things more clearly, and I believe it can open up conversations between us that might not happen otherwise. There’s something powerful about putting thoughts into words, something freeing.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through or what thoughts are weighing on my mind, my love for you never wavers. I love you with every ounce of my being. I’m sorry that I tend to overthink, I know it can make things heavier than they need to be. But through it all, what remains constant is how deeply I want to spend my life with you. I’m looking forward to growing old by your side and proudly calling you, my wife.

I love you more than I will ever be able to show you.

I’m so happy and excited that we were able to get you the car you truly wanted. Seeing you light up made the whole experience even more special for me. I really hope yesterday felt meaningful for you, because you deserve moments like this, where everything feels right and just for you

And I’m especially excited to be giving you something meaningful today as one of your early birthday gifts. I’ve been looking forward to this moment, and I can’t wait to see your reaction and hear what you think. It means a lot to me to be able to share this with you.

I want you to know that I’ve still been writing these letters to you. They’ve become a way for me to process everything swirling around in my head, especially the more intrusive thoughts that I don’t always know how to say out loud. But I’ve been hesitant to give them to you, mostly because of how raw they are, and how much noise they come from.

What’s been weighing on me even more is this quiet fear I can’t shake, that maybe you’ve mentioned them to KH since you talk and share a lot with him or even joked about them. I know that might sound irrational, but it’s just something I feel deep in my gut, and it adds another layer to the hesitation. These letters are deeply personal, and I guess I’m afraid of them being misunderstood or shared beyond us.

I love you with every ounce of my being.

Just a heads-up before you read this, this letter is a long one, and it contains some deeply intrusive thoughts. There have been a few triggers lately that stirred up a lot of noise in my mind, and writing this has become the only real outlet I have to release some of that weight.

I know some of what I share here may be hard to read, but I hope you understand it’s not meant to blame or accuse, it’s just me trying to make sense of everything going on in my head and heart.

If there’s anything in here that I’m misinterpreting or don’t fully understand, I really hope you’ll talk with me about it. I want us to keep growing in openness and trust, even when the topics are difficult.

I’m writing this letter on the day we’re picking up your new car, a day I know is going to be really special for you. That’s why I’ve decided not to give this to you today. I want you to enjoy this moment without any extra weight on your heart.

To be honest, I don’t even know if I’ll ever give this to you. I’ve written others before, and some of them never made it into your hands. I ended up destroying them, not because they didn’t matter, but because they carried pieces of me I wasn’t sure I was ready to share.

This letter is long, probably the longest yet, because my mind has been running so fast lately. The thoughts are piling up quicker than I can make sense of them, and writing them down is the only way I know to keep from being overwhelmed. This is me, trying to breathe through the noise, trying to find clarity in the chaos.

The weekend trip to the river was a good one, peaceful in its own way and full of little moments I’ll remember. But truthfully, I think it’s something I’d enjoy more if it were just the two of us. That kind of environment isn’t quite right. So for now, I don’t plan on taking him back anytime soon.

I also came to realize something about Matt, he’s a friend best experienced in small doses. A couple of hours here and there is one thing, but a full weekend? That’s a bit too much. I guess it’s one of those things you learn by living through it. What I truly wanted from that weekend was time to relax and connect with you. That’s where I find peace.

Knowing how close you and KH are still weighs heavily on my heart. Even though you’ve told me that you don’t share everything with him, deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that you might be sharing parts of these letters, my most vulnerable, raw moments, as conversation points with him, maybe even with a hint of humor. I don’t know why I feel that way exactly, but it’s there, sitting in my gut like a quiet warning I can’t ignore.

What hurts the most is this sense that he knows more about what’s going on in your heart, mind, and in our life together, than I do. And I’m living it with you. I’m the one beside you every day, yet I feel like a stranger in some parts of your emotional world. That’s not easy to admit. I tend to be a very private person, and the thought of someone I barely know having insight into parts of me I haven’t even fully unpacked with you yet, it makes me want to pull away. It makes me feel like I need to protect my thoughts, not just from the world, but from being shared without context or care.

I understand you’ve known KH for a long time, longer than you’ve known me. And I’m not trying to erase that part of your life. But what’s hard for me is knowing he wasn’t just a friend, he is an ex-boyfriend. That changes the dynamic. You once told me that friends don’t kiss friends, and you and KH were more than that. That sticks with me. I know you’ve told me parts of the story, but I can’t help feeling like there’s more that you haven’t said, maybe because you’re afraid of how I’ll react, especially as we continue to move forward and grow stronger together.

One of my deepest fears is losing you, and sometimes, I can’t help but feel like KH is your exit plan if things between us were ever to fall apart. I’m not proud to admit that, but it’s the truth that’s been echoing in my mind since everything came to light.

When I saw the messages between you and KH, it felt like I’d been punched in the chest. It felt like betrayal, like I’d stepped into the same nightmare I lived through with Vickie. I know this situation is different, and I know you are not her, but that pain, that sting of broken trust, felt all too familiar. It brought back that old, paralyzing question I thought I’d left behind: What did I do wrong? Was I not enough? Am I just a placeholder until something, or someone, you once loved becomes possible again?

The hardest part in all of this wasn’t just the messages. It was realizing that the person you turn to most, the one you confide in the deepest, may not be me. And that leaves a kind of emptiness that’s difficult to put into words. When trust cracks, everything else begins to feel uncertain. And the thought of losing you to someone who already knows so much about your heart, that terrifies me.

I’m still here. I still love you more than I can express. But I need you to know how much this has shaken me, not because I doubt your love, but because I’m scared to lose something that means everything to me.

When the messages and the depth of your relationship with KH came to light, it hit me harder than I ever expected. It made me realize just how deeply I love you, how much you truly mean to me. But at the same time, it brought a painful thought to the surface, what if you’re still in love with someone else?

You are my world. And having that world shaken by broken trust, by things that were kept from me, is something I’m still trying to recover from. Right now, it feels like I’m carrying this weight alone. I find myself questioning things I wish I didn’t have to.

More than anything, I need to know that you truly love me. That you’re here with your whole heart. You know what I went through with Vickie, how I discovered the dishonesty only after she was gone. I know you’re not her. I don’t confuse who you are with who she was. But I can’t deny that the similarities in the situation, the secrecy, the messages, stir up those old wounds in me. The time when you were going through your messages looking for another “bomb shell” you still skipped over a lot things that were there. Things that were said that you never wanted me to know.

Even little things linger in my mind. Like the pet names. He called you “Gumball,” and when I asked, you wouldn’t tell me what you called him. And maybe it’s something small, but it adds to that feeling that there are pieces of the story still hidden from me. And all I want is honesty, openness, and reassurance that I’m the person you’ve chosen with your whole heart.

When we first met and spent that time together at the hotel, something happened between us. But not long after, we both shared that it felt a bit like we were cheating on our late spouses. At the time, I thought it was just part of the grief and transition, but after everything that’s come to light, I can’t help but wonder if, for you, it was different.

Looking back now, I think those feelings you had might have stemmed from being emotionally involved with KH. It makes me feel like I stepped into the middle of something that hadn’t fully ended. Seeing the messages you exchanged with him, so personal, so emotionally charged, makes me question whether I was unknowingly intruding on something still active between the two of you.

And then there’s the part I can’t ignore, the photos that were deleted. That kind of haunts me. Why were you so upset when I had open your photos on your Mac? You asked what I was doing and I was looking for photos of us. Is there some in a folder of you and KH that you did not want me to see? Makes me wonder, what was in those images that couldn’t be seen? What was too painful, too intimate, or too revealing?

I’m just trying to make sense of everything. These questions keep looping in my mind, and all I really want is some way to quiet the noise so I can feel grounded in this wonderful life we’re building together.

You told him in messages, just shortly after we started our relationship, that he was playing mind games with you, that you were building a life with me, yet you were secretly still in love with him. Reading that, it cut deeper than I ever expected anything could. It still echoes in my heart and weighs heavily on my soul.

What I continue to struggle with is why you never told me about the true nature of your relationship with him. I was led to believe he was just a friend, but those messages painted a much different picture, one I wasn’t prepared for. I remember you once said that, you don’t always get to choose your friends, and I’ve done my best to honor that with you. I’ve tried not to question who you choose to keep in your life. And I will never tell you who you can or cannot be friends with.

You told him you wanted to send photos of yourself in your new jacket, and even more intimate ones, of your legs, and up your dress. You mentioned how you liked the feeling of your legs wrapped around him. Those words are burned into my memory. They weren’t just casual, they were intimate, deeply personal.

I’m trying to process it all without resentment, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t tearing at something inside of me. I just need to understand how we move forward with trust, when the past feels so close and unresolved.

Looking back on some of the messages from the early days of our relationship, I can’t help but feel that you were genuinely in love with him at one point, and part of me wonders if a piece of that still lingers. It sometimes feels like you’re still carrying thoughts of him, wondering what could have been.

I’ve thought about how you asked him multiple times to move to Texas and be with you, and even after we were together, there were several times you asked if you could go see him, trips that never included me. A cruise for his birthday to celebrate, plans to go to Las Vegas, those didn’t seem just casual mentions. They felt personal, like you were trying to keep that door open. And it makes me question, were those just friendly gestures, or was there a part of you still searching for something in him, trying to see if the spark was still there?

I find myself wondering, if you had followed through on any of those trips, would we even be where we are today? Would we have had a chance at building this life together? And deep down, I can’t stop asking, why did you choose me over him? Have you really moved on? Because some of the messages where you professed your love for him were from just two years ago, and that closeness still haunts me.

When I was moving clothes from the Temple house to the Belton house, I came across that shirt you have of KH’s. Deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that it holds some kind of significance. You’ve kept it for nearly four years, and when I asked you about it, you said you didn’t remember how you got it. Maybe it’s just the cracks in trust talking, but I’m not entirely sure I believe that. It feels like there’s a story behind it, one you might not want to tell me. And that uncertainty weighs on me.

It also made me think of something else, another piece of clothing. That pink shirt with the heart on it. I remember reading one of your messages to him where you asked if he noticed anything about it. Is that something he gave you? Is there something special about it that I don’t know? These questions don’t come from a place of wanting to accuse, but from a place of wanting to understand, because right now, it feels like there are still pieces you do not want me to ever know.

I’m still trying to find a way to let go of all these emotions surrounding you and KH. I know you’ve explained why it was kept a secret, and maybe on some level I do understand, but not fully. And truthfully, I’m not sure I ever will. The fact that it was hidden from me for so long has left this lingering sense of unease. It’s like a shadow that won’t quite fade, no matter how much light we bring into our relationship.

It also stirs up painful memories I thought I had buried. After Vickie passed, I discovered she had been cheating on me, something I only realized by reading through her Facebook messages. That betrayal still echoes in me. And after seeing some of the conversations you had with KH, it triggers that same sense of heartbreak. The feelings are eerily familiar, that sinking pit in my stomach, that spinning confusion in my chest. I know you aren’t her, and I know this is a different situation, but emotionally, it touches the same raw nerve.

I don’t want to carry these thoughts forever. But they are here, and they’re heavy. And I’m just doing my best to work through them, piece by piece.

Nothing I do seems to quiet the deep hurt I’m carrying. These feelings just keep resurfacing, like an echo I can’t silence, this constant noise in my head that’s slowly wearing me down. And every time it happens, it feels like I’m reliving the pain all over again. It’s not always loud, but it’s persistent, like a low hum of uneasiness that there’s still something I don’t know, something you haven’t told me.

When we’re laughing or simply enjoying each other, the noise fades and I feel peace. But then, like clockwork, something reminds me, and the noise rushes back in. Sometimes it’s not even anything tangible, just a passing thought, and suddenly I’m spiraling. I remember a time when I thought he and I might even become friends. But now I realize why that never felt quite right.

It’s only now becoming clear to me why you were uneasy when I added him to that group chat, why his reaction to you, calling it a power move. That phrase has stuck with me. It felt like he was acknowledging something that I wasn’t even aware of at that moment. And maybe that’s what this is all about, that feeling of being the outsider in something I didn’t even know existed.

So how do I make these thoughts stop? I wish I knew. Even now, when I see you messaging him, I get this uncomfortable, almost sick feeling in my gut. It’s not just the fact that you talk, it’s that it often happens when I’m not around. That’s what makes it feel secretive, even if it’s not meant to be. I brought it up to you, and you laughed it off, saying it was just because you wanted to talk with me instead.

But that didn’t take the feeling away. Yesterday was the first time I remember you actually having a phone conversation with him while I was nearby, and even then, something felt off. You got really quiet during parts of it, like you didn’t want me to hear what was being said. It made me wonder: Did you tell him you couldn’t really talk because I was there? Was there something being said that you didn’t want me to hear?

You told me you talked to him while we were at the river, but why did you have to leave the campsite to do it? Why not just make the call where we all were, like it was no big deal?

These are the things that replay in my mind, and I wish they didn’t. I want to feel secure. But these moments plant doubt, and that doubt grows louder every time the silence sets in.

Please don’t take any of this as me not wanting you to be friends with him, that’s truly not the case. I know you and KH were there for each other during incredibly difficult times, and friendships built in those moments can be powerful and rare. I respect that. Friends like that aren’t easy to find.

I guess part of my struggle is rooted in comparison. When I look at your friendship with Amy, it’s clear she often makes things about herself and isn’t always there for you the way you deserve. But with KH, it’s different, he was there. I see that, and I honor the space that relationship holds for you.

Right now, I feel so alone in all of this, even though I know I’m not truly alone. It’s just this overwhelming weight that’s hard to describe. There are moments where I want to disappear, to escape from everything. I’m starting to feel numb, and that scares me, because I know what that numbness can become. I can feel the early edges of depression creeping in, and I’m trying so hard to push through it.

What keeps me grounded, what keeps me holding on, is the life we’re building together, the love that exists between us. That love is real, and it’s the anchor I cling to when everything else feels unstable. But I’d be lying if I said I never feel like I’m walking this emotional road alone. I love you with everything I have, and all I want is to feel that love going both ways, not just in words, but in presence, in trust, and in emotional closeness. I don’t want to be the person in a relationship who loves deeply but quietly wonders if they’re loving alone.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through, no matter what storms are swirling in my head, my love for you remains unwavering. I love you with every ounce of my being, fully, fiercely, and without hesitation. I know I tend to overthink, and I’m sorry for the weight that sometimes brings into our world. It’s never meant to cause pain, it’s simply my heart trying to protect what it cherishes most, you. I’m looking forward to all the years ahead with you, to building a life filled with love, laughter, and healing. I can’t wait to grow old with you and call you my wife.

This weekend at the river was great. It was exactly the kind of break we needed. But I’ve been thinking, it might be nice for us to plan a trip down there, just the two of us, one of these weekends. As much as I care about Aaric, I think he’s still too young to really enjoy or handle that kind of environment. And honestly, going with Matt again isn’t something I’m in a rush to do either. I enjoy his company in small doses, but spending an entire weekend with him, especially when we’re already managing Aaric’s energy, isn’t exactly relaxing. It would be really nice to just unwind, slow down, and enjoy, just you and me.

I’m really looking forward to getting you the car you picked out tomorrow. It makes me happy to see you excited about it. I have to admit, I was caught off guard when you said it’s the first car you’ve ever truly gotten to choose. In full transparency, I genuinely thought you had chosen the others you’ve gotten since we’ve been together. I didn’t realize you felt like I had been making those decisions for you. Please know, that has never been my intent, and it never would be. I want you to have the freedom to make choices that make you happy and reflect what you want. Supporting you means trusting your voice and your preferences, and I hope you always feel that from me moving forward. I can’t wait to see you behind the wheel of the car you chose. You deserve that joy.

I know I tried to deny sending KH that package about the gay cruise, and I’m pretty sure you saw right through it. And while I’m glad everyone got a good laugh out of it, the truth is, deep down I was trying to embarrass him. The truth is, I’m still trying to make sense of the relationship you had with him. I guess I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I never will. I know you’ve explained it in your way, and I’m not trying to doubt you. But from the outside looking in, it’s still hard for me to wrap my head around. And to be honest, it’s difficult for me to watch you talk with someone I still feel, in some way, is an ex-boyfriend.

I know I’m probably viewing it through my own lens, through my past, through my insecurities, and I’m not trying to project that onto you. I just want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally. I’m working on it, really. Trying to understand, trying to let go of the things I can’t change, and trusting what we’re building together. Thanks for being patient with me through all of this. I know I don’t always say things the right way at first, but I do want to grow through it with you.

While moving clothes from the Temple house to the Belton house, I came across that shirt of KH’s. I must admit, it caught me off guard. It feels like there’s something meaningful about it, especially since it’s still been around after all this time. When I asked you about it and you said you didn’t remember how you came into possession of it, I tried to take that at face value. But if I’m being completely honest, with everything that’s happened and the cracks in trust we’ve been working through, I’m not 100% sure I believe that. It just feels like there’s more to the story, and maybe it’s something you don’t want to share with me.

I’m not bringing this up to accuse or stir things up. I just want to be honest about what’s sitting in my mind and heart. These are the kinds of things that, left unspoken, can quietly build walls between us, and that’s the last thing I want. I know rebuilding trust takes time, and conversations like this are part of that process. All I’m asking for is honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable. Because I’d rather work through something real with you than be left in doubt.

I’m still trying to find a way to let go of all the emotions I’ve been carrying about everything that happened between you and KH. I know, in my head, why you kept it a secret, but if I’m being honest, I still don’t fully understand it in my heart. Because it was hidden from me for so long, there’s this lingering feeling of uneasiness that I can’t quite shake.

Part of what makes it so difficult is that it brings up old wounds. After Vickie passed away, I discovered she had been cheating on me, and like your messages with KH, it all happened through Facebook Messenger. Reading some of those conversations between you and KH… it stirred up that same feeling I had when I read Vickie’s messages. That gut-punch realization that something was happening behind the scenes that I wasn’t supposed to know about. And that parallel, intentional or not, has been a big emotional trigger for me.

I know you are not her, and I don’t want to unfairly compare the two situations. But the emotional impact is still real. It’s the trust that was quietly shaken, the questions that were never fully answered, and the part of me that’s still trying to make peace with it all. I want to let go of these feelings. I want to fully move forward with you. I choose you, every single day. But I also want to be honest about what I’m carrying so that I don’t end up silently dragging it behind me.

All I ask is for continued honesty, openness, and patience. I know healing takes time, and I believe we’ll get there together. I love you, and I want our future to be free of shadows from the past.

Nothing I’ve tried is working when it comes to getting rid of the deep feelings of hurt I still carry. They keep coming back, uninvited, like noise that fills my head, and it’s really starting to wear me down.

There are moments when things are good, really good. We’re connected, I feel present, and for a while, the noise goes quiet. But then KH comes up, and it all comes rushing back. Just like that, the peace is gone, and I’m right back in that space of doubt, pain, and questioning.

I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I wish I did. I want to let go, I truly do. But every time I feel like I’m making progress, something pulls me back. Even now, when I know you’re messaging him, I feel that same uncomfortable twist in my gut. It’s not jealousy, it’s that sense of secrecy again. The not knowing. The not being part of it. The silence that makes my mind fill in blanks I wish didn’t exist.

Knowing you two are talking or calling each other might not bother me at all if I felt included in some way, or at least reassured. But when it happens quietly, without context, it feels like it’s still being kept from me. And that feeling, real or not, is hard to ignore. I’m not trying to control your friendships or put restrictions on who you talk to. What I’m trying to do is make sense of what’s happening inside me. I don’t want to carry this pain into our future, especially as we move toward building a life together. I want healing. I want peace. I want to feel secure again.

But right now, I need help figuring out how to get there. Because I can’t do it alone. And the noise isn’t something I can just silence with willpower, it’s something I need to work through with honesty, support, and trust.

Right now, I feel like I’m walking through this alone. I can feel the weight of it creeping in, like the early signs of depression starting to settle over me. And I’m doing everything I can to push through it, to hold onto the truth that we’re building something beautiful together. It’s that belief in us, in the love we have for each other, that keeps me moving forward. I know we’ve shared so many good moments, so much growth, and I hold on to that with everything I have. Because I love you deeply, and I want this life with you.

But at the same time, I’m struggling. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where love is only flowing in one direction. That thought alone is heartbreaking. I want us to be fully in it together, emotionally, honestly, and completely.

What makes it harder is knowing how much KH seems to know about my life, our life. It doesn’t sit right with me. It feels like another quiet violation of trust, like someone has access to parts of us that should belong to just us. And it’s hard not to feel exposed or overlooked when someone outside of our relationship is holding so much of what we’ve shared.

Please understand, I’m not saying these things to attack or blame. I’m sharing them because I need you to understand where I am emotionally. I need to feel like I’m not fighting through this on my own. That we’re standing side by side, not just in the good times, but in the hard ones too. I want us to be stronger than the past, stronger than the doubts. But I also know we have to face the hard stuff together to get there. And I’m here, loving you, choosing you, and hoping we can keep moving forward, hand in hand.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through, no matter what thoughts may be racing through my head, I love you, with every ounce of my being. That love doesn’t waver, even in the moments when I’m struggling. It’s constant, it’s real, and it’s deeply rooted in everything I feel for you. I’m holding on to the future we’re building together, the one where I get to grow old with you by my side. The one where I get to call you my wife. That thought alone brings me comfort and hope, even on the hard days.

You are my heart, my peace, and my forever.

I love you!

I’m not really sure how to bring this up, but I’ve been sitting with this feeling since the other day, and I think I need to say something. Lately, there’s been this quiet hesitation in my gut, something telling me not to give you these letters just yet.

It’s not that I don’t want to share them with you. I do. That was always the intention. But something inside me keeps wondering… if maybe you’ve mentioned these letters to Kevin. I know that might sound unfair or even out of nowhere, but given how recent everything is, and how open you and Kevin are with each other about so many things, it’s hard not to wonder. Maybe it’s just my overthinking, or the emotional residue from what we’ve been through. But the thought alone makes me pull back a little.

The last thing I want is for someone else to know these letters even exist, let alone know what’s inside them. These are incredibly personal, raw parts of me. They aren’t just words, they’re pieces of my heart, and the idea of anyone else reading or even being aware of them feels like a deep violation of that trust, trust that already has cracks.

That said, I still love the process of writing them. It gives me space to clear my mind, to process what I’m feeling, and to work through the things I might not always know how to say out loud. Maybe one day, when it feels right, when I feel fully safe in doing so, I’ll print them all out and give them to you. Every single one.

But for now, I think I need to hold onto them a little longer. Not as a secret, but as a step toward healing, clarity, and eventually, deeper trust.

I’m sure at some point you’re going to ask about the letters again. And when you do, I’ll tell you the truth, I’m still writing them. I haven’t stopped. I’m just not printing them out or handing them to you right now.

My mind still spins from time to time. It races back through the messages I read between you and Kevin, and no matter how much I try to push them aside, I can’t quite shake the feeling that there may have been more between the two of you than you’ve shared. I’m not saying this to accuse you or stir up conflict, it’s just what lingers in my heart.

Knowing that you loved him, and that the two of you remain so close, pulls at something deep in me. It creates this quiet tug I can’t ignore. A sense of unease that flares up from time to time, especially when certain memories resurface. I’m doing my best to move forward, to let time and love do their healing. I want that healing, especially as we step toward marriage, and everything we’re building together.

But if I’m being honest, there’s still something about your relationship with him that feels unresolved. Like a door that was never fully closed. Maybe it’s just a shadow from the past. Maybe it’s because I know how deeply it cut me when I found out. Or maybe it’s because I saw things, pictures, words, that I never should’ve had to see, and they left marks I’m still trying to smooth over.

I don’t want to keep carrying these feelings silently, but I also don’t want to weigh you down with them constantly. That’s why the letters have become a quiet space for me to process all of it. A place where I can be honest with myself, and eventually with you, when the time is right.

I love you, and I want us to be stronger than what we’ve gone through. I believe we can be. I just need you to understand where I’m at, and why I’m not quite ready to hand these pages over yet.

I think I finally understand why this whole situation with Kevin has been such a strong emotional trigger for me. It took me some time to connect the dots, but today it really hit me: it brings back memories and pain from my past, specifically from my marriage to Vickie.

Looking back, I never realized during our marriage why she was always on Facebook Messenger, or why she would walk away when she was on the phone. I chalked it up to little things, never questioned it too much, until after she passed away. It was only then, when I looked back through her messages, that I saw what had really been going on. It hurt. It shook something in me that I’ve clearly carried forward without even realizing it.

You’d think after over 20 years together, I would have seen the signs. But love sometimes clouds your vision, and trust makes you overlook what you don’t want to see.

Now, I want to be clear: I know you’re not Vickie, and I don’t compare you to her. I love you for who you are. But this is where my mind tends to go when certain patterns show up, especially when I feel like someone I love is emotionally closer to someone else. It’s not about mistrust in you, it’s an echo of hurt that I hadn’t truly faced until now.

I also think about our conversations regarding Amy and Masson, and how Amy was emotionally cheating on Anthony. Those words, emotional cheating, has come up before, and if I’m being honest, that’s how your friendship with Kevin has felt to me at times. I know it’s not black and white, and I know you’ve needed someone to talk to, someone you’ve leaned on. And I don’t want to take that away from you. But that’s where the struggle lives inside me. That’s the tension I’ve been wrestling with.

There are moments when you feel distant, even just slightly, and my mind, without warning, starts imagining that you’re thinking about the life you might’ve had with him. And those thoughts hurt. They’re probably not fair, but they’re real.

Still, despite all of this, despite the noise in my head, the wounds from my past, and the fears I haven’t always known how to voice, you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I choose. And I believe in what we’re building together.

Thank you for being patient with me as I unpack all of this. Thank you for letting me be honest. And most of all, thank you for loving me in return. I love you. Deeply, completely, and always.

I’m in my feels a bit today. I was talking with Stephanie, and she mentioned that she’s been clearing out some of Vickie’s things and donating them. It brought up a lot for me, because I’ve been needing to do the same, for a while now. The garage and the storage unit still hold so many of Vickie’s belongings, and even after three years, I find myself stuck, not knowing what to do with them all.

It amazes me how much is still there. And the truth is, I really do need to let it go, not because the memories aren’t important, but because it’s time to make space, emotionally and physically. I think when you told me that I need to make room for you and Aaric, this is what you were gently referring to.

It’s been weighing heavily on my mind. It’s not just about sorting through items, it’s about facing emotions I’ve boxed away, alongside the boxes in storage. But I know it’s time. It’s time to close that chapter in a healthy, respectful way and make room for the life we’re building now.

With the long weekend coming up, I think I’ll finally take that step. Donate what I can, sort through what matters, and start clearing out the rest. Stephanie offered to come down and help, and I appreciate her kindness more than I can say. But I think this is something I need to do with out her. Not because I don’t want support, but because this feels like a personal turning point I need to walk through. And through all of this, I am so thankful that you are by my side during this process. Just knowing you’re here, that I’m not alone in any of this, gives me strength and peace in a way I can’t quite explain.

At the same time, I’m still receiving reports from Incident Response about the case involving the messages between you and KH. I did take a look, just out of curiosity, and saw there are over a thousand screenshots that they recovered. That alone was overwhelming. I’ve since asked to be removed from the notifications, because every time a new update pops up, it feels like reopening a wound that hasn’t fully healed.

To be honest, I did look through some of the older messages from 2022, around the time shortly after we first met. And I instantly regretted it. Some messages in particular stuck with me, you had written to KH that you were building a life with me but were secretly in love with him, that you wanted him to spread your thighs apart. You mentioned planning to meet him at the airport on my birthday, and that it didn’t matter whether it bothered me or not, and you brought up the idea of you and him getting married in Las Vegas.

All of that brought all the pain back to the surface. It’s recent enough that my mind still reacts, still spirals, and it gets noisy in my head all over again. Nothing quite compares to the feeling of trying to move forward, only to be pulled backward by something you thought had been processed. It’s like pouring salt on a wound that just refuses to close.

I know how strong our love is for each other. I feel it every day, in the way we laugh, support one another, and continue choosing each other. But there’s still a small pit in my gut… a part of me that wonders if I unintentionally came between you and someone you weren’t quite done with. And along with that, this sense that maybe I still don’t know everything.

Please know that I hate unloading these intrusive thoughts on you. I really do. But I don’t have another outlet for them, and more than that, I don’t want to keep them bottled up. I’d rather be transparent with you than let them fester in silence and create distance between us. I know you’ve got so much on your plate already, and the last thing I want is to add more weight to your shoulders.

That’s why I’m asking for your guidance, with love and humility. What do I do with these thoughts when they surface? Should I keep sharing them with you, trusting that our relationship can hold space for them? Or should I learn to bury them, to protect our peace and guard what we’ve been working so hard to build?

I don’t want to be a source of added stress for you. I just want to be honest about where I am in my head, and find a path forward that brings us closer, not push us apart.

No matter what, I love you, with every part of my soul. I trust you.

I’m really happy that you appreciate the idea of these letters, this mix of journaling and love notes that let me share what’s going on in my head and heart. It means the world to me to know that you’re open to this, not just as something for me, but as something for us.

Writing them gives me a way to untangle the overthinking that so often gets the best of me. It helps me slow down, take a breath, and put my thoughts into something meaningful, something you can hold, read, and reflect on. It brings me peace, and in a way, it brings me closer to you.

What I love even more is that we can actually talk about the things I write. That these aren’t just words on a page, but starting points for real conversations. That kind of emotional connection, where we can be open, honest, and vulnerable with each other, is something I’ve always hoped to find in a partner. And I’ve found it in you.

I really hate that I’m an overthinker. It’s something I’ve struggled with for so long. Sometimes the noise in my mind gets so loud that it drowns out the present and pulls me back into the past. And the worst part is, my mind doesn’t always go to the good moments, it gravitates toward the painful ones. I replay things I wish I could forget, almost like I’m stuck in a loop I didn’t ask for.

I catch myself wondering why. Why revisit the things that hurt? Why does my brain cling to the negative instead of holding on to the beautiful memories, the moments that made me feel loved, safe, and happy? Those are the moments I want to remember. Those are the ones that deserve to live rent-free in my mind, not the ones that cause doubt or pain.

I don’t ever want to give you a version of me that’s filled with nothing but intrusive thoughts. You deserve more than that, you deserve peace, love, joy… the best of me.

Since our conversation this past weekend, my mind has been quiet. Truly quiet. For the first time in a while, the noise has faded, and it’s been so peaceful, so freeing. I’ve been able to breathe, to think clearly, to feel present. And that feeling, that quiet, has been wonderful. Thank you for helping create that space.

I really did have a great time this weekend down in Galveston. It was one of those trips that, even with a few hiccups, reminded me how much I enjoy just being with you. Honestly, the only downside was the cost, but I’m sure if we plan it out better next time, we can definitely make it work and go back.

One thing I’m especially excited about is looking into the sea turtle release. I’m going to do some research and make a plan for us to go next year. I was so looking forward to capturing some photos this time around. We’ll make it happen.

I’m really excited to be getting the car this week. I think it’s going to be a great move for us, especially with how much gas we go through on longer trips. It’ll definitely make things more efficient and hopefully save us some money in the long run.

And I know I’ve already said this, but I want to say it again: I’m genuinely happy that you are going to be getting the car you’ve been wanting. That matters to me more than anything. Seeing you excited about it makes me even more excited.

I know you’re feeling nervous about Corbin and his upcoming court dates, and I completely understand why. It’s a lot to carry. I want you to know that I have faith that things are going to work out in his favor. I truly believe that. And while I know there’s probably nothing I can say that will fully ease your mind right now, I still want to remind you, you’re not going through this alone. I’m here with you, every step of the way, and I’ll keep holding on to that hope for both of you.

Aaric really frustrated me today at the doctor’s office, he pushed my buttons more than usual. I ended up taking his Xbox mic away, and I’m sure he’s going to try and wear everyone down just to get it back. We’ll probably need to brace ourselves and stay strong together, because giving in too quickly won’t help in the long run. It’s tough, but I know we’ve got this. Consistency is key, even when it’s annoying.

Today, my wedding ring came in—and I can’t tell you how excited I am. I’m really looking forward to seeing it in person and making sure it fits just right, in just a few short months, I’ll be wearing it for good.

Come October, when we say “I do,” that ring won’t just be a symbol, it’ll be a promise, a beginning, and a reminder of everything we’ve building together. I can’t wait for that moment.

I love you with all my heart, fully, deeply, and without hesitation. You are my everything, and every part of me is wrapped in the love I feel for you.